Many people come to therapy asking the same question in different ways:
“Why do I keep doing this when I know it doesn’t help?”
Whether it’s substances, emotional numbing, overworking, people-pleasing, scrolling, overeating, avoidance, or staying in painful relationships — the answer often lies in something called the pain-relief cycle.
This cycle isn’t about weakness or lack of willpower.
It’s about the nervous system trying to survive.
What Is the Pain-Relief Cycle?
The pain-relief cycle describes what happens when we experience emotional or physical discomfort and reach for short-term relief instead of long-term healing.It usually looks something like this:
1. Pain or Emotional Distress
This can include:
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Anxiety
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Shame
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Loneliness
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Grief
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Anger
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Trauma activation
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Physical discomfort linked to stress
Often, this pain isn’t new — it’s familiar. For many people, it echoes earlier experiences where support, safety, or validation were missing.
2. Seeking Immediate Relief
The body and mind want the pain to stop now.
So we reach for something that offers quick relief:
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Alcohol or substances
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Food or restriction
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Emotional withdrawal
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Overworking or staying busy
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Reassurance-seeking
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Avoidance or dissociation
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Staying quiet instead of expressing needs
In this moment, the behavior works.
The nervous system settles — briefly.
3. Temporary Soothing
This is where the cycle gets reinforced.
The body learns:
“This helps me feel better — even if only for a moment.”
Neurochemicals like dopamine or endorphins are released, creating a sense of calm, numbness, or relief.
But this relief doesn’t last.
4. Consequences and Emotional Fallout
After the relief fades, something else often shows up:
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Guilt or shame
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Regret
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Increased anxiety
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Relationship strain
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Loss of trust in self
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Physical consequences
Instead of resolving the original pain, the cycle adds more pain.
5. Return to Pain — Stronger Than Before
Now the nervous system is carrying:
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The original emotional wound
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Plus the shame or fear from the coping behavior
So the urge for relief becomes stronger — and the cycle repeats.
This cycle isn’t a character flaw — it’s a learned survival strategy.
At some point, your system learned:
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“This is how I stay safe.”
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“This is how I cope alone.”
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“This is how I survive discomfort.”
Trying to remove the behavior without addressing the pain underneath often makes things worse — because the nervous system still needs relief.
Healing Isn’t About Removing Relief — It’s About Changing How We Find It
True healing doesn’t start by asking:
“How do I stop this behavior?”
It starts with:
“What pain am I trying to soothe?”
Therapy focuses on:
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Building tolerance for emotional discomfort
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Learning safer, embodied ways to regulate
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Understanding protective parts instead of fighting them
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Creating relief that doesn’t come with harm
This might include:
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Somatic grounding
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Emotional processing
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Boundary work
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Self-compassion practices
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Nervous system regulation
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Exploring attachment and trauma history
Over time, relief becomes something you build, not something you escape into.
A Gentle Reframe
If you recognize yourself in the pain-relief cycle, try this reframe:
“This behavior isn’t the problem — it’s a signal.”
A signal that something inside you needs care, safety, and understanding — not punishment.
You’re Not Broken — You’re Responding
The pain-relief cycle exists because your system adapted to survive.
Healing happens when you no longer have to survive alone.
If you’re ready to explore what’s underneath the cycle — gently, safely, and at your own pace — therapy can help you step out of survival and into choice.
Maria Ahmed
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